Desmond Macedo. Illustration by Jayesh Raut
India 2009.
Dan had a question for himself: “With this globalisation
thing, has ass kissing too, gone global?”
Here is what he noticed:
Take any company. Everyone there is kissing the boss’ ass, who in turn is kissing his boss’ ass, who, through a marketing process that is known as Customer Relationship Management, or, as it is more ambitiously called, Customer Life Cycle Management, is eventually kissing a customer's ass,
the sales of which the salesman’s boss will use to impress his local boss, who will then impress a regional head in charge of consumer loans, who will then kiss the country head’s ass, who, the country head that is, will kiss a white ass, it being an MNC bank with a white man in charge of the bank’s Asia-Pacific region, who, the white ass that is, will then use the fantastic growth figures in the new-economy markets to impress his boss back in, say, the UK,
who is chairman of the bank and has been knighted by the Queen and is, hence, reverently known as Sir Walter Digby and who, the reverent ass that is, frequently bumps into, and ass-kisses, a higher-up from the UK finance ministry, who, in turn, now has his lips positioned a few inches from Brown’s ass,
who, the brown ass that is, on his first visit to India shortly after becoming prime minister of UK, is artlessly kissing India’s ass by proposing that Sachin Tendulkar be knighted by the Queen because he, the brown ass, not Sachin, wants England to be the Jewel In India’s Crown, a position that was the reverse only a few decades ago, and which we can now describe as ‘the ass that is kissing the lips’.
Dan Mullagathanny had to space out his thoughts in short paragraphs and separate them by commas so that he was able to see, and follow, a pattern in this maze.
Take any company. Everyone there is kissing the boss’ ass, who in turn is kissing his boss’ ass, who, through a marketing process that is known as Customer Relationship Management, or, as it is more ambitiously called, Customer Life Cycle Management, is eventually kissing a customer's ass,
who, the customer that is,
is working in some other company where he is industriously kissing his
boss’ ass because he must get a salary every month, uninterruptedly, to repay
the car loan he has taken from a bank,
the salesman of which was earlier kissing his ass by
commenting that his salary makes him eminently creditworthy for a car loan,
while the boss of the salesman is kissing the salesman’s ass non-stop so that
he, the salesman, will flatter more customers into thinking that their salaries
make them eminently creditworthy for car loans,the sales of which the salesman’s boss will use to impress his local boss, who will then impress a regional head in charge of consumer loans, who will then kiss the country head’s ass, who, the country head that is, will kiss a white ass, it being an MNC bank with a white man in charge of the bank’s Asia-Pacific region, who, the white ass that is, will then use the fantastic growth figures in the new-economy markets to impress his boss back in, say, the UK,
who is chairman of the bank and has been knighted by the Queen and is, hence, reverently known as Sir Walter Digby and who, the reverent ass that is, frequently bumps into, and ass-kisses, a higher-up from the UK finance ministry, who, in turn, now has his lips positioned a few inches from Brown’s ass,
who, the brown ass that is, on his first visit to India shortly after becoming prime minister of UK, is artlessly kissing India’s ass by proposing that Sachin Tendulkar be knighted by the Queen because he, the brown ass, not Sachin, wants England to be the Jewel In India’s Crown, a position that was the reverse only a few decades ago, and which we can now describe as ‘the ass that is kissing the lips’.
Dan Mullagathanny had to space out his thoughts in short paragraphs and separate them by commas so that he was able to see, and follow, a pattern in this maze.
In this particular supply chain of ass kissing, stretching
across continents, from man on the street to queen, only one person seemed to
be doing any work. Sachin Tendulkar.
The rest earned their living, and interest payments, from this ready source of middle class customers, believed to be anywhere between 400 and 600 million, and growing daily, simply by kissing ass, or, as it is now patronizingly called, Engaging the Customer.
The rest earned their living, and interest payments, from this ready source of middle class customers, believed to be anywhere between 400 and 600 million, and growing daily, simply by kissing ass, or, as it is now patronizingly called, Engaging the Customer.
Post Script:
This was written when Gordon Brown visited India some four
years ago. This time it’s David Cameron, his second visit to India in as many
years, seeking a special relationship with India.
On February 18, 2013, he said in a public engagement, “India
is going to be one of the leading nations in this century and we will be
partners. The two countries have a lot in common such as history, language,
culture. You are the largest democracy in the world, and we are the oldest, etc, etc, etc."
Dan Mullagathanny was tired of listening to "the largest democracy in the world and fourth largest economy," but like history and the visiting British PMs, ass kissing repeats itself.
Dan Mullagathanny was tired of listening to "the largest democracy in the world and fourth largest economy," but like history and the visiting British PMs, ass kissing repeats itself.
lolol
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