February 27, 2009

People who honk are horny

Ammi Maru.

Mumbai: In the recent past people in Mumbai are hearing less of oohs & aahs and more of peep peeps and pom poms. According to a survey conducted by AMRA (Ammi Maru Reaserch Agency), lack of sex is adding to the noise levels in Mumbai. In a citywide survey, it has been observed that people deprived of sex are more prone to honking. This has increased the noise pollution, especially in major traffic zones to alarming, or rather deafening, levels.

When questioned about this unusual finding, the Chief Research Officer commented: “It is common knowledge that sex is one of the greatest stress relievers. It helps you get rid of your pent up energy, aggression and/or frustrations, leaving you lighter and happier.

Now there is a big group of people, especially men, who are just not getting enough of it. Or, none at all. These people use honking as a release. Imagine, you get up fresh and happy in the morning, get ready, have breakfast and leave for work, all full of energy. And there comes the traffic jam. So what happens to all the energy? You honk it away!

But if you have had good hanky-panky the previous evening, you will reminisce about it sitting in the jam. Or, you will be busy kissing your partner, if he/she is riding with you. The same goes for any other stressful situation.

The analysis was also supported by observations regarding vehicle type, horn quality and tone, and frequency & length of each honk. Initial observations had shown rickshaw drivers most prone to honking. But careful study revealed that bikers were really the deprived ones and hence, the cause of all this noise.

AMRA has also deduced that the way people honk show the extent of sex deprivation.

Adding a final comment, the Chief Research Officer had a special request for the general public. “If you want a reduction in noise pollution levels, then let the loudest and persistent honker rush to his/her destination. And pray that he/she is rushing there to get laid. Amen.”

The AMRA has submitted the full report of the survey to the Underground Writers Group. They will propose a plan that will aim to create more noise in the bedroom and less on the roads.

About the Author: Ammi Maru is an Art Director in Advertising, the first art person to write a story here.

Want to write a humour story? Go ahead, send it to me at: dezymacedo@gmail.com